Nothing to freeze

I am disappointed to say the least. 3 of the 4 we had left made it to day 6 but were only very early blast stage, meaning they were just starting to seperate between baby and placenta but didn't quite make it in time. My clinic has a very strict freezing criteria and wont freeze what they don't think will make it through freeze and subsequent thaw.

I cried and cried. I felt like another loss, a loss of potential. I've been very open about my distain for this cycle from the beginning, there was nothing fun or exciting about it. I must have been such a dumbass the first go 'round. Nothing to freeze means that if this didn't work or if we want "siblings" we have to do this again. Fun.

Transfer done

Now I just sit and wait.

We put back 2 embryos, a 6 cell and an 8 cell. Both had less than 10% fragmentation (the cells have been dividing cleanly).

I am very tired and have been sleeping most of the afternoon, I think between the emotional toll and having bronchitis has completely whiped me the hell out.

I am excited for the future for the first time in a very long time, but I am grieving simultaneously. I keep having to remind myself that this isn't betrayl, this is a new chapter for my family.

Fertilization

So yesterday I was very disappointed when I found out that only 7 of our 15 retrieved had fertilized. It was such a blow to get such a great number and then end up with less than we did last time. It took me all night and some hearty consoling/encouragement to get me out of that funk. I woke with a better attitude, whatever happens just happens and I can't control it.

I got a better report this afternoon. All 7 are still growing and are between 3 and 4 cells which is normal for day 2. Some were less than 10% fragmentation, the rest between 10 and 20%. One of the ones that hadn't showed any growth yesterday had started to divide. I have 8 embryos and will be transferring the best 2 tomorrow at 10am est.

Retrieval

I had my egg retrieval this morning and got 15 eggs. I have to wait until tomorrow to fin
d out how many were mature and how many were fertilized. I have been in bed all day not feeling well and trying to recover from a spinal (I have a head cold and they thought general anesthesia was too dangerous).

I am very excited about 15 eggs since we had 9 last time. Both really great numbers bt 15 gives us better chances at totsicles for siblings in the future (this is going to work). I do not want to have to do this again. 2nd time around was nothing like the 1st.

Triggered

At 7:30 pm tonight I took my HCG shot to trigger ovulation for my egg retrieval on Sunday at 7:30 am. I am so nervous. I only needed 7 days of stims to quickly produce 7 follicles on each ovary. On Tuesday I had 3 total follies, on Thursday I had 14.....crazy.

Fingers crossed and prayers welcome.

Started stims

Last night I started my ovarian stimulation medication Bravelle to kick start my ovaries into making lots of beautiful eggs. Last night consisted of some vivid nightmares and waking to an enormous headache. It is what it is.

Last cycle I received this beautiful good luck charm from a very dear friend, it is a crane (I finished a 1000 crane project) and it is holding a pearl. My friend told me that the pearl it is carrying signifies the crane carrying my precious eggs. Thank you Nicole, I love you.

1 year ago

November 18, 2010. We put 2 perfect little embryos back into my uterus at our transfer. Those 2 embryos turned into our beautiful son and daughter. One year ago today was the first day they grew inside of me. I loved them even before that day and while they were deviding in a petri dish. I did my best to protect my children, but my body failed them.

My loot....aka my meds

Copay amount $1302.26 Net worth= I dont want to know. Thank you insurance.

I miss them

Every. Single. Day.

Sometimes I don't know how I am going to live the rest of my life without them. Those few hours I held my son and daughter brought me the most overwhelming sense of love I've ever felt, so different from the love I have for my husband. If you have never been there, you don't know what I am talking about....end of story. When you have been there, you will understand. I hope to one day feel that again, right now I just feel so lost. I still feel the love, I love them and always will. The love right now is just like winning the lottery but you lost the ticket, technically a millionare but not really. Am I going to make it or am I going to drown in these feelings. I try so hard to be "ok" everyday, sometime I rise to "so so". I know all of this is normal but it doesn't make it any better.

I miss you.

Day 9

Thankfully I am not as angry about the process as I was a couple of days ago. I can't be, its not a healthy way to go into cycle where I am hoping to make life. I am sad though, we went through this last year (my god its been a year). Last year we made our beautiful babies and they are not here. We've already been through this and were successful but as we have found out that success doesn't always lead to ultimate happiness. So I hope this year we have success as well as the prize at the end. I want success from beginning to end, I feel I am entitled to this.

As far as the Lupron goes, I feel I am getting used to it. The headaches suck as well as the hot flashes. Hydration, hydration, hydration. (Peeing, peeing, peeing) Its neverending.

Day 6

6 days into Lupron.

Hello insomnia, I didn't miss you. I couldn't sleep last night because my bones were sore and achy. I awoke with the "dehydrated brain feeling". you know the " I was out drinking all night and now I'm uber dehydrated" feeling.. except without all of the fun memories.

I don't remember this from last time, all I remembered were the really bad headaches. I think last time I was just overly excited it was all happening that I had lapses in memory. Damn fool, I would have liked to have been more prepared.

I made a wish

At 11:11 (my car time) on 11/11/11. That's got to make it come true, right? I feel slightly stupid as I usually don't do stuff like that. Well, this whole process of infertility and loss has already made me lose my damn mind, so add it to the list.

Still crossing my fingers and wishing for some luck anyway.

4 days into shots

A meer 4 days into suppression and I am already totally fucking sick of it. I hate giving myself injections. Its not like they bother me or make me anxious, I am just completely pissed off that THIS is what I have to do to get pregnant.

If you are lucky enough to not have to go to these lengths to see 2 beautiful pink lines or the word "pregnant" on a pee stick, please don't ever take it for granted.

IVF #2 underway

Operation human pincusion started on Sunday November 6th, I am on my 3rd day of supperssion meds to stop my ovaries from making eggs so when I start stims (the egg making stuff) they will be nice and clean and ready to make a good amount of evenly sized eggs. I am not going to do much in the way of complaining, this will all be worth it in the end no matter what. Even tho the ultimate end of my first cycle was devistation, Id do it all again for that moment I held my children in my arms.

Id be a liar if I didn't tell you im scared, nervous, sad, and yes guilty. There you are guilt, oh how I've missed you. I feel like I am trying to replace my babies, its not a good feeling. I know that trying again is yet another step in healing. I know I wont forget or replace them but grief is a nasty monster and strikes when I least expect it.

Everyday its-a getting closer

Ive finished a few more things that needed to be done before IVF starts. 

I had my CD3 hormone testing redone...... it was FANTABULOUS, I am not considered AMA (advanced maternal age) or DOR (diminished ovarian reserve).  This means that there should be no issues with the stim medication and no reason why we wont get plenty of pretty pretty eggs.   Even though shit can always happen, I am choosing to be optimistic.

I had my saline sonohystogram and it showed that there was no damage to my uterus resulting from the birth of the twins or from the D&C to remove the placentas.  This is great news.

I had my biopsy of my uterus to rule out endometritis, an infection and inflammation of the uterine walls (not to be confused with endometriosis).  I will get these results back next week but the results will not impact the IVF much other than having to be on antibiotics and maybe suppressing a few extra days.

I feel a weigh lifted off of my shoulders having all of these damn check marks on my to do list.  Every single day I get closer.  It is both super exciting and very scary.

He is my glue

Jason is away on business this week and it sucks.

I realize more and more how much I depend on him to be ok some days, but Im sure it goes both ways.  Without him here I cry more about how much I miss the babies and how things should be right now in my life.

He is my glue and he holds me together just being by my side. 

If all goes well......

These are my tentative dates for my cycle.

Lupron start 11-6
Stim start 11-21
Retrieval 11-30
Transfer 12-3

I am freaked out a bit honestly.

Damn you Target, but shame on me.

Target got me again, bastards made me cry. I know I shouldn't look at things that I know are going to upset me, but the baby halloween socks were all mixed in with the adult ones. I love funky socks, they are my downfall. I cried over the most adorable candy corn socks but what's worse is that so did Jason. I can bearely handle my own pain some days but seeing his pain sends me over the edge.

The babies have their own place at Fenway

IT ARRIVED!  Well at least our replica did.

 We bought a personalized brick to be placed at Fenway Park (the home of our beloved Boston Red Sox) in memory of our babies.  Yes I know it is only a brick, but for us it holds so much love and remembrance.  I cant wait to see it next year..... GO SOX (I still love you).

I removed our last name from the picture

We will find out prior to opening day 2012 where our brick is located, If you plan to visit Fenway and want to peek (or take a picture with you and/or the brick and send it to me for future blog posts) let me know, I will email you the location.

IVF med rough estimate

$1200.00 my portion

I am VERY lucky I have insurance, but DAMN that is alot of money.

This includes:
 10 boxes (5 vials each) of Bravelle 75 IU, this is approximately  10 days worth.
3 boxes (15 inserts each) of Crinone 8% gel, this is about a month and a half worth.
Lupron depot 14 day patient injection kit.
Novarel single injection.

This is getting so real... God I hope this works.

They sent me a sign

Its been a little over six months since they left us and Ive been waiting, wondering when they would give me some sort of sign that they are around us.  Maybe I haven't been looking at the right times or I wasn't ready to see it. 

I saw it and it brought me to tears.

I was playing with my fancy pants camera in the yard, trying to capture some of the beauty while everything is still alive.
 I saw two amazing monarch butterflies dancing around, chasing, and playing with each other.  It was so heartwarming, I saw my babies playing.  I was so mesmerized by the show and being in the moment that I didn't have the chance to capture it "on film" but its a beautiful memory I will hold dear in my mind and in my heart.

Consult for IVF#2

We are moving forward.
Scared, nervous, anxious, and dare I even say....excited.  For now, we are ready for this. 
In mid October I need to get some major amounts of blood work done (run of the mill blood work to check my hormone functioning prior to starting), have a saline infused sonohystogram (to make sure there wasn't any damage to my uterus from giving birth or the D&C), and an endometrial biopsy to rule out there being an infection in my uterus prior to introducing embryos to rule out loss from that).  After that is all said and done, and all is fine, I will begin injections early November for an early December retrieval and transfer. 

Thoughts, prayers, and good wishes always welcome.

Our 2nd anniversary took place the same day as well as the 6 month milestone of the twins birth and passing.  It was a nice day filled with a couples massage (all his idea) some amazing hibachi filet, and the wonderful company of my true soul mate. He is my everything.  Getting this good news was the best gift we could have ever been given, I felt on top of the world.

Who cries over socks?

I do.
I was at Target last night going through a bin of dollar halloween adult socks (I like crazyass socks) and picked  up a pair of lime green baby socks with orange monster toes.
Lost.my.shit.....right there.
Sometimes its the little crap that catches you off guard.

Funeral flowers

My wonderful father in law offered to preserve some of the flowers from the memorial service for Lincoln and Annaleise.  We recieved the flowers this week from him.  I thought it was a nice gesture.

Goodbye hope....hello disappointment

I don't qualify for the transabdominal cerclage,  I feel that once again that all hope that I had was just taken away from me. I really wanted to do this to give all future babies the best chance possible.
 WHY? Because they cant find any clear evidence that I have an incompetent cervix, appartenly preterm labor does not necessarily mean a cervical issue and the damn infection they found just screws up any hope of finding anwsers to why I lost the babies. That annoying fucking infection has fucked everything up. I didn't ask questions...why am I such an idiot you ask. Becausee I had a PTSD reaction as soon as I walked through the door coming face to face with one of the ER Doctors from the night I lost the twins, great.
So now I am stuck crossing my fingers that a transvaginal cerclage and progsterone shots are enough to sustain any pregnancy I have and hope beyond hope that it was just a fluke and it doesn't happen again.
I feel hopeless, I don't know if I can do it again. My heart breaks.

Rae's of hope

Ive had very few things to be hopeful of lately, but this past week has given me several glimmers of hope coming up on the horizon.

I am very fortunate, for that I am thankful.  I have the opportunity to switch health care coverage to a plan that I will be 80% covered (after a $500 deductible) for unlimited infertility treatments.  WOW!  I start this new plan October 1st.  20% is still a good chunk of money, but much more manageable than 100% out of pocket.  Grateful = me.  A lot of people ran around like chickens with their heads cut off in order to make this happen for me, including the representative for the insurance company who I later found out had suffered infertility and a late term loss also. 
I have a meeting with my RE (reproductive endocrinologist aka the IVF doctor) on September 19th in order to make our plan for treatments moving forward.  Exciting and frightening all at the same time.  I don't know yet when we are going to start treatments due some things I am looking into for preparation for the next pregnancy.
I am meeting with a specialist at Women & Infants hospital on September 8th to look into if I qualify for a TAC procedure (trans abdominal cerclage) to be placed pre pregnancy.  A TAC procedure is found to be more successful (90ish % to full term (37 or more weeks) vs 75% to viability (24 weeks) found with a cervical cerclage)  It is more invasive and requires a C section for delivery though.  I will do what is needed and what is most successful, I just need to see what I can get approved for.  Fingers crossed for the best outcome, whatever that may be. 

Things seem to have the potential for falling into place right now.  After September 19th, I should have  clearer picture for what we can do to start out future again.  Even though this is all so exciting and hopeful, I continue to have this deep fear of disaster looming.  I also feel like in a way I am guilty for being happy to try again, like somehow I feel like I am dishonoring the memories of the two lovies I already have.  I know no matter what happens, I will never forget them and they will always be my first born children.  Its complicated in my head right now. 

Thank you for the continued thoughts and prayers.

5 months

Where has the time gone?  The date March 19th feels like it was eons ago, but the pain and memories of the event makes it feel like it happened yesterday.  Mommy and daddy miss you Lincoln and Annaleise, not a day goes by without thinking about you both.  You may not live in our arms, but you live in our hearts.
  I am so sorry my little babies, Mommy could not save you.

Inspired by the old school stuff

I saw this quote from a great group in someones profile recently and have decided to adopt it, so thank you to the random person who inspired me.

"'Cause you can't, you won't, and you don't stop" -  Beastie Boys, Sure Shot

Due date

The day has come and gone.  I wish I felt much different, but I don't.  The feeling of impending doom is gone, but what remains is still the deep sadness and longing that life had turned out differently. 
August 8, 2011.  We awoke childless and fell asleep still childless.  We aren't really childless though, we have to beautiful and perfect babies in the hereafter just waiting for us.  Two beautiful and perfect babies that I ache to hold again and don't have to give up.  I remember vividly (and with pain) that moment when they took Lincoln and Annaleise away for the final time and realized in that moment that I would never get to hold them again.  I wish I had a few more minutes but I know that unless it was a lifetime, it never would have been "enough" time for us.
I wish I could tell you all I was better and that the passage of the due date miraculously healed us in some way, but it didn't. We are coming to realize that our lives will really never be the same.

T minus 2 weeks

We are 2 weeks out from our due date and I don't know if I can handle this.  My heart aches, I lose my breath, and I feel like my soul has been ripped in half.  It is getting harder day by day.  I don't know why this has happened to us, I cant figure out the reason why we had to try so hard only to be devastated in the end.  What does the due date mean now, it means that my babies really aren't going to be here.  It was planned since November, August 8th would have been the absolute last day that we would turn from a couple into a family.  August 8th would be the absolute last day that the babies would grace the world with their presence.  Only thing is that they have already come and gone.  It turned from August 8th due date to March 19th, birth and death date.  I don't want to believe it. I want to scream.. "no no no, this cant be my reality".  I wish I could turn this nightmare off.

Other randomness.

Ive neglected blogging and I really didn't care.  Ive had difficulties formulating the words to express my feelings.  "Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck ,fuck"  is all I have.  I'm very angry and I don't know what to do with the anger.  4 months has come and gone and sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday, purely raw emotion. 

I am scared to do this again, I ask myself "what if it happens again?".  Although we are scared we are willing to try again.  But what if.... I want to punch "what if" in the face.  Jason's aunt (who is younger than us) offered to be a gestational carrier, apparently she and Jason's uncle have discussed this at length and are willing to give us this gift if we so choose.  We haven't said no, we just want to try once more with our oven. 

It touches me how much people care and the lengths others are willing to take to make this happen for us,

I am a dirty liar

When you ask me how I am doing and I reply with "fine", "ok", or  "well", Ive most likely lied to you.  I am usually not fine, not ok, and not doing well.  There are rare instances that these statements are in fact true, but those are not the normal and are few and far between. 
I try hard to put on a brave face for you, this is exhausting.  I usually end up crying to myself (sobbing actually) when I walk away and I am alone in my car, in the bathroom, or when I get home.  Acting ok takes a lot of energy, energy I sometimes don't have but always manage to muster so that you don't know what I actually feel in my heart and in my head.

Why do I lie to you? 

Mostly because I don't want you to hurt like I do and I don't want to burden you with the pain I feel. Its ok if you feel bad for me, I also feel bad for what has happened.  I just don't want you to have pitty  for me, I am not a charity case.  Sometimes I don't know if you care or are just trying to be nice. I don't want to look like an idiot and put you on the spot for something you weren't ready to hear.
Jason and I are survivors and we are strong,  but then again what other choice do we have but to be anything else?  We will get by.

Will we ever be ok?  I don't have answers for this question.  We hope and wait, that's all we can do.  I guess time will only tell.

I am sorry I lie to you, but do you really want to know?

In my dreams

Up until  last night, in all of my dreams (nightmares) about Lincoln and Annaleise have  always been about the night I lost them and coping with the loss of the pregnancy, them passing away, and them being gone forever.
Last night I dreamt about them being alive and at home.  They were happy and sitting in their swings.  Bittersweet,  the dream was happy but painful all at the same time.  I remember the happiness and joy I felt in the dream.  Will I ever feel that way?
This has made me a little more sad than usual today.

FUCK YOU..... a ranty vent

Dear Rhode Island Department of Health,
FUCK YOU.
The stinging realization of my babies dying was starting to wear off, thank you for reminding me.

 How dare you send me a "healthy mother, healthy baby" survey in the mail. I understand, according to you, that I am the lucky recipient who has been chosen to fill this survey out based on you pulling the birth certificate of one of my babies from recent children born in the state.  Once you realized that my children are dead, common sense would dictate that maybe it isn't the best idea for you to send me this survey.  I do not find it comforting that you realized after I was selected that the child you chose was dead and no I didn't appreciate you pointing out to me that this was still a great opportunity for me to help you out.  And by the way, you are a professional state agency so I am thinking it may be more appropriate for you to refer to my children as deceased.  To you, the formal term would be deceased and you should be referring to recipients in that manner.
 I do not have healthy children, and nothing that I did caused any of this to happen.  I do not appreciate the survey and I definitely do not appreciate the questions in the survey.  Do you honestly think I am a white trash red neck fucking idiot who would drink and smoke during my pregnancy.  And really, did I take prenatals and know how important folic acid is to preventing some very preventable birth defects?  I am not an idiot, and if this survey is an indication of who you are expecting to target with these questions, I am the wrong person to send this to.  You can take the 5 dollar Walmart gift card and shove it up your ass.  This is a poor representation of the "special gift" you promised to enclose with the survey as a thank you for my participation.  This gift is further proof of the target audience you expect to recruit with this survey. 
I will not be filling out your fucking "healthy pregnancy. healthy baby" survey, you are fucking idiots. This could have been avoided if you thought more about others and less about the grant you probably received to conduct this study.  So, please stop sending me reminders that I have this survey and you would like me to fill it out.   My answers wouldn't help you get funding for your prevention campaigns anyway.


This isn't the only wonderful reminder Ive gotten in the mail lately. I am being inundated with free samples, special offers, and coupons for baby things since their birth certificates have been filed with the state.  I wish people would get it through their heads.  A recorded live birth does not always result in a baby that people get to take home.  All these reminders hurt so much, I die a little more inside each time I get a congratulations from these naive ignorant companies.  I know it isn't their faults, I just wish they would get a clue.

Grief haiku

I still cry each day

I grieve for what has been lost

My soul is empty

Understanding the depths of dispair.

In the first month after our loss, I hit a bottom that I never knew existed. Devastation and despair does a lot to people, it messes with you, grips you, throws you through the ringer before it finally chews you up and spits you out. Its not pretty nor does it feel good.

I am sharing this because I feel it is important for others to know that it is normal. I found a lot of comfort through the stories of others in those early days and weeks. I want to be able to help.

In that first month I wanted to die. Yes, DIE. I am not going to go as far to say that I would have done it myself, but I am also not going to rule it out either. I thought I had lost everything, my world was gone. My babies died. I thank god for my husband especially but I can't forget about my family and my friends. I can not put enough emphasis on how important my support system was in saving me. By saving me meaning the whole of who I am, not only physically but also emotionally and my spirit. Ive learned to never be afraid to ask for help or too proud to accept it. I think that by being willing to ask and receive help is the reason I am alive and still "living" (yes these are two very different concepts).

Ive changed and readily admit that I am not the same person I use to be. I don't know what it is and I cant put my finger on it. Maybe it is because I can never be as naive as I use to be or maybe I lost some type of innocence that happens after to you plan memorial services for your own children. Point is, I am not who I was and I don't know if I will ever be that person again. I don't know the life path for this person who Ive become, but I am trying to be at peace with it.

I think (hope) this is all normal though.

I felt as guilty as an Irish Catholic

For awhile after our loss, I felt massive amounts of guilt. This guilt went far beyond the normal "it was my fault" crap. Surprisingly that stuff I could handle. I felt the guilt that comes with continuing to live life.
The simple act of smiling or laughing instantly reduced me to tears in the beginning. After awhile, it turned into an immediate hushing or stopping followed by a pit in my stomach when I realized what I was doing. I didn't think I should feel happiness, my children were dead. Why was I smiling or laughing, I was still in pain. Those actions made me sad and made me feel guilty, almost like I was betraying my sweet son and daughter.
Slowly these feelings went away and now I feel OK when I feel twinges of happiness. I'm not to the point where I am carefree, but most of the time I don't have that painful guilty "I'm doing something wrong" feeling.
I think this is progress.



By the way, I'm not Irish =)

Breathless

Not in a good way.

I just saw a "ticker" for someone due around when I was. Until now, I had managed to block the fact that I should be 31ish weeks out of my mind.

I found it hard to breathe for a few moments.

Devistation set in.

I fought the insurance company.

And won!

If you will remember, late last week I received a hospital bill for the short nursery care the twins received before they passed away. My insurance company refused to pay the bill because we didn't enroll them onto our healthplan. Upon talking with them, they spoke in circles and told us we should have enrolled them while in the same breath telling us it would have been fraud if we did. Scheisty bastards and their loopholes. Well, we appealed and SURPRISE WE WON. I know its a very small victory, but a victory when we have very little to be hopeful for.

My wish is for people to accept the possibility that not all births end in the happiness that is the joy of taking a live baby home.

But I also wish I lived in a world that this didn't happen in.

death haiku

"Sorry, they have passed"
life came to a shreiking halt
a part of me died

Loss support group

After over a month telling our counselor that we would attend a local loss support group, we went. I work as a therapist/counselor and I know that peer led support groups CAN be helpful sometimes. I also have plenty of clients who yes me to death promissing they will try something and never do. I didn't want to be one of those clients so I fought through all of my reservations about it and just went.
We may never go back. We may give it one more try, but for now we are on the fence.

What are the reasons we aren't very excited?
It did not give us any shred ofhope, hearing the other peoples stories broke my heart over and over again. I cried about it for 2 hours. One lady told her story and she was crying about the loss and her experience, it had been 20 years. 20 years later she was crying about it the way I cry now. It scared me. I can't hold on to this much pain for the next 20 years, it will kill me. I am strong, but not that strong. I am also drawn to helping people (my profession), so all I had going through my head were resources some of these people could use as well as coping skills for them to try so that they could build and keep healthy relationships with others and use them as a support system. I had a hard time seperating and turning those skills off. I was suppose to be there to help myself and I found it difficult.
It also made us realize that even tho we are hurting, we are doing ok. Some of the people there weren't ok and I felt as tho it was sucking us back into the dark place we fought for 2 months to get out of. I feel blessed and thankful everyday that I have my husband, my family, and my friends. We have a good support system that is there for us.

We will be ok.

Back to the grind

I went back to work today, the first time since the death of Lincoln and Annaleise.  It was difficult to say the least.  The looks and the sorries were almost too much to bear.  Pregnancy is a public event, it is difficult after a certain point to hide.  Right before I gave birth, I hit that point.... everyone knew. 
I work as a masters level clinical therapist for the mentally ill.  I took so long to come back knowing that I would be totally ineffective at helping people when I was hurting so much inside and was in need of help myself.  I was in no condition to listen to  the problems of others when all I wanted to do was scream.  Sometimes you need to take care of ourselves before you can help others.
I was right on the edge of "ok" and "not ok" all day  long.   I had a few moments that were difficult, my clients I saw today were very concerned about me during my absence and expressed to me how upset they were when they had heard what happened.  I guess I can attribute that to the relationship I have with them.  All I could do was acknowledge how they were feeling and redirect the conversation back to themselves and their "issues".   I use to love my job, but secretively my heart just really isn't in it.  I hope this changes, I cant see myself doing something I don't really like.

When I got home, I had a lovely bill from the hospital for the care the twins received in the nursery before they passed away.  My insurance denied it because we failed to enroll the twins on our insurance plan.  Last I checked, you cant enroll deceased family members onto insurance policies.  We are stuck in a loophole and now are currently fighting the insurance company for them to cover this.  Lovely...screwed again by them.  Total cost so far for losing my babies, $3,500 out of pocket.  Total cost to make them $3,000 out of pocket.  What do I have to show for it all?  Memories that are priceless but no babies to hold in my arms, to kiss, and to tuck in at night.  FML.

Laying low in limbo land

Right now we are in limbo, right in the space in between. Since our wedding in September of 2009, we have either been trying to get pregnant or pregnant. Right now we aren't either, it is a weird place to be.
We aren't ready right now, I think we both are in need of some healing. Yes, we have a overwhelming feeling of wanting to make things how they were, the thing is that it will never be how it was or how it was suppose to be. Our desires right now, I feel at least, are in the realm of replacing what was lost. That feeling is so wrong for us and is slightly heartbreaking. They can never be replaced. Until we are ready to move forward and "have more" instead of just having children to fill the void, here we wait.... in limbo, not trying and not pregnant. We are going to reassess in August and see how we feel.
Our infertility is the wild card in all of this. We know we have issues and it will take awhile (if at all) to have children on our own without assistance. But there is that chance it ::could:: happen, which is why we are trying NOT to get pregnant. I know, odd concept.

Rosaries have been ordered

In the days and weeks following the death of our babies, we recieved so many beautiful and thoughtful flower arrangements arriving at our doorstep.  I balled with each.and.every delivery. Sadness crept in no matter how gorgeous, it was a reminder.  Through the sadness I felt gratitude that so many people had us in their thoughts and they took the time to stop and touch us with their kindness.  I wanted to do something with some of the flowers and had remembered a friend of mine had some roses from a special and memorable event made into a rosary.
 I found this website  www.keepsakerosaries.com
I chose some pink roses my mom brought to me in the hospital for the rosary for Annaleise, and white roses my family ordered for the memorial service for the rosary for Lincoln. Doing this was important for Jason and myself.  We wanted something religiously oriented, but not too Jesus centered (if this makes sense to anyone else but us). I also didn't want to let all those flower go to waste even tho we did end up drying most of them and putting them in a box in our memory tote.
When they come in I will be sure to post and include a picture. Unfortunately it will take 7 to 10 months for them to be made and sent back. I guess hand rolling flowers into beads takes awhile ;0)

2 months

Today marks 2 months since the birth and death of Lincoln and Annaleise.  2 months, wow, isn't that fabulous (sarcasm).  Sometimes I don't know how I made it this far through all of the pain and raw emotions. Day by day even taking it minute by minute is all I can do.  I think I had this picture in my mind that I would be "better" by now, but how can I be... my children are dead.  Dead, as in gone and never coming back.   It isn't better yet but then again I am told it never really gets better anyway, the grief is just "different". 

I look back at the time before all of this happened.  I never really let it sink in that I was pregnant and I was happy.  Infertility does that to you I guess.  I only got overly excited and "accepted" it when we found out what we were having.  That was just 1 week and 3 days before they were gone.  I had 1 week and 3 days where I was totally happy and in complete bliss.  I never thought in a million years that it would be taken away.  They tell you that there is a less than 1% chance of miscarriage after the 1st tri.  Naive me, it never crossed my mind that there were ways to lose a pregnancy that didn't include miscarriage.  PTL, PPROM....huh?  I guess someone has to be the statistic.  Lucky me with infertility and pregnancy loss, I hit the shitty ass jackpot lottery.

Id like to leave you with the last picture I have of the babies alive.  The ultrasound I had just 1 week and 3 days before my babies died.  This is the first time I have looked at it since the day they died.

Annaleise is the top picture, she was baby B.  Lincoln is the bottom, baby A.  They were (are) perfect in every way. 

I love them and even though it pains me to look at these pictures, I wanted to share them with you all. 

Ive got that broken heart feeling

Ive really been sad this week.  I don't know if its the dreary rainy weather or the fact that tomorrow will be 2 months since we said goodbye, but all I know is that I am getting sadder and sadder by the day.  I feel as though I have been punched in the chest and lost my breath.

 Its hard to breathe, my heart is heavy. 

grief and love

I choose to believe that the amount of my pain and grief I feel over this loss is directly equivalent to the depth of the love I have for my children.

I was finally asked "the question"

It's a benign question, a pleasantry, something people ask one another when they want to get to know you. Normally it isn't anything that is meant to cause discomfort or pain, but sometimes inadvertently it's a stab to the heart.  We are taught to be nice to others, make eye contact, and make small talk to be polite.  Under normal circumstances, we go through life not knowing or understanding how niceties sometimes affect others in ways that were never meant. To be naive like this is bliss, it isn't necessarily ignorance but rather being lucky that life hasn't thrown a nightmarish hell at you. 

Loss is like a spiderweb, the "incident" is in the middle and everything radiates from it.  Every intersecting thread signifies another situation, thought, or reminder that we encounter.  Like a bug in the web, we cant get away.  The "incident" is always there and so are the situations thoughts, and reminders.

The question?  "do you have any children"  Que the waterworks.

I explained through tears that "yes, but they were born too early and passed away"  some of the hardest words I have ever had to pass through my lips.  The woman, an older lady in my water aerobics class, was wonderful and handled the situation well.  We talked for awhile.  She was very sympathetic and asked me about my children.  Although it hurts, it is nice to talk about them and nice that people care to hear about them.  They are and will always be a part of my life and I want to share them with others even though the only thing I have to share are my memories and love. 

Today I woke up crying, it was a tough day all around.

Day 1

Today was my first day back at the gym......in god knows how long, but probably well over a year. I am aiming to lose at least 25 if not 30 lbs before we cycle again. That is just a drop in the bucket of what SHOULD be lost in the longrun. The gym kicked my ass today. I'm not to proud to say I am taking water aerobics with the older ladies. I also did 15 torturous minutes on the elliptical, I thought I was going to die.

Here's to me and my objective. Whooooo, good luck.

Mothers day

You my (not so) friend are not a "real" holiday, nor do you have any significance in any religious organization. You are made up by the "man" in attempts to raise profit margins in certain industries. You, quite frankly, can go fuck yourself. Harsh I know, but this is how I feel this year. I know that mothers day isn't the evil that caused my pain, none the less it is a horrible reminder of what's been lost. That being said, it wasn't that bad. I got my major crying episode out of the way early on in the day before breakfast and was able to manage ok for the rest of the day.

Jason bought me the most beautiful aquamarine (the babies birthstone) and white gold earring and necklace set. Its a beautiful light blue color and is dainty as well as elegant. Totally my taste, he knows me so well. He is wonderful to me, the gesture touched my heart so greatly.

"Are you buying my birthday card?"

Last night came the sad realization of how draining and emotionally distraught we have been for the last month and a half.

We went to CVS after dinner last night to get some mothers day cards (shoot me in the head).  It wasn't as bad as expected.  There was a little girl there with her father picking out a mothers day card, she couldn't have been more than 5 or 6 years old.  She was hilarious.  She was picking cards based on how they looked, graphics, characters on the front...etc, most were very inappropriate for the occasion.  Her dad was redirecting her in a brilliant manner "no sweetie that isn't a mothers day card" and the such, the girl could have done stand up at her very young age.  I believe my babies put her there to make the experience less painful for us.
 But I digress, so back to the story. 
We picked the cards and on our way out of the aisle, I shoo him away and tell him I want to pick up another one that he cant see.  He asks, "are you buying my birthday card?".  I tell him to get out of there and call him a silly man.  I pick out the card, we pay, and go home. When we got home I took out his card and handed him the rest  so that he can get his mothers out and sign it.  He says to me "yay you bought me a birthday card".  Silly man, I gave him an odd look and put the rest of our items away.  About a minute later he looks at me and says "I am an idiot, my birthday already passed". 
We had in fact celebrated his birthday with dinner at Shogun, a card, and a cake on April 8th, his birthday and a little less than 3 weeks after our children passed.
 It was at that moment we realized how much of a fog we have been in.  Going through the motions of life without emotions other than our grief.  I don't remember a lot for the past month and a half except for the sadness.  When does this get better?

Post partum followup

It went as shitty as expected.  I don't recommend anyone who has lost a child to sit in an OB/GYN office while waiting to find out why you lost your children.  I will have to admit that the office was VERY sympathetic to my needs.  The receptionist was aware I had lost my children and when I became visibly upset they found me an alternative place to wait (without pregnant ladies or babies) while I waited for my doctor. 

They don't know why I lost my children for 100% certainty.  They are unable to figure out whether I went into labor because I had an infection or I got an infection because I dilated and went into labor.  It is a classic chicken and egg scenario. All they know is the infection was very bad and that it spread rapidly, once I got it all hope was lost for me continuing my pregnancy.  Sadness. 

Where do we go from here?  That's a million dollar question right there.  It took us well over a year to conceive my angels, 3 IUIs, and a round of IVF.  We have no frozen embryos, so we have to start almost at square 1.  Medically we have to wait 2 more months to try, emotionally it is going to take much longer.  She didn't put me on birth control....whats the worse that could happen, I get pregnant?  Since the first round was difficult, she doesn't expect a miracle this time around.  Stranger things have happened tho, but she spared me the line people seem to be giving me lately  "some people get pregnant easier after their first pregnancy"  like somehow the miracle of pregnancy will "fix" my infertility.  that statement pisses me off to no end.  If this happens I will easily admit I was wrong, but like I said... not expecting miracles.  If nothing happens and we feel ready for it, we will look into IVF for November or December.  I will have to switch insurance since we maxed out our infertility coverage already, that wont be until October.

More sadness, my doctor is leaving.  She recommended a different doctor in the practice who will be informed of my situation and my treatment plan.  She was so compassionate, she hugged me while I cried and really seemed to be upset over my outcome also.  We have been through a lot together and she will be missed.

What will be done differently next pregnancy?  I will be considered high risk right off the bat.  Between 12 and 14 weeks, I will have a cervical stitch placed (Cerclage), I will get weekly P17 shots, and be monitored more closely and more often.  This gives me a little bit of hope, but I am still scared shitless. 

On a better note, my stitches were removed and my hand feels great.  Some sorenes in my palm, nothing major.  AHHHHHH, goodbye (hopefully) Carpel Tunnel pain.

I'm Sobbing

I just deleted our Babies-R-Us  registry.  I feel like another hole was just ripped out of my heart.  This sucks.

Thankfully I was able to do it over the phone and not in store like I thought I was going to have to do.  I would have had a complete breakdown if I had to go in there.

New band Im loving

In an effort to not only write about grief, I wanted to change it up every once in a while.  Ive recently started loving this band Foster the People, an indie rock band from Los Angeles CA.   Happy beats and fun songs, it doesn't hurt that they are also a bunch of cuties!

http://youtu.be/SDTZ7iX4vTQ

http://youtu.be/04TXoFI6CSM

Fast forwarding life would be much easier sometimes

I've had a lot going on lately (mostly emotional life sucking milestones) and I know I've been MIA for about a week. Sometimes the best way I can deal with things when they happen one after another is to just shut down and deal with it later, on my own terms. As with grief and loss, there is very little you can control so when I get an opportunity to say "fuck you, I will emotionally deal with it later", I go for it.

The most difficult thing I had to deal with this past week was the 1 month mark for losing my children. We got through it, we have no other choice than to get through it. I have little glimpses of thinking we will be "OK", but really how will it be "OK"? We met and held our children and even though we are parents we will never have the pleasure of the action portion of "being" parents, holding and kissing them, and watching them grow. The most that I can hope for is that we will get by, we will live our lives as happy people again, but underneath we will have the pain of loss and grieving of what we didn't have the chance to experience. I know this is how it will be and I accept it, even though I don't accept it happily or embrace it fully.

I had surgery on my hand to get my carpel tunnel issues fixed. It has been a constant problem for me. almost 4 years ago I had my left hand done and vowed I wouldn't get the right done. ever. When I was pregnant it got really bad to the point where I wasn't able to use my hand well and had lost feeling and some fine motor skills. Despite my reservations, my doctor and my husband convinced me that it would be in my best interest to avoid the pain and discomfort when we got pregnant again. I had a day and a half notice so we did this really fast. I am right handed so it has been very difficult to get used to functioning one handed when that one hand is not the dominant one. (major fun typing this post)

Easter....Easter, Easter, Easter. When did Easter turn from "he has risen" to candy, egg hunts, and adorably dressed children (knife through my heart)being paraded and the focus of everything? I missed holy week services because I am angry and not into it. I was baptised two years ago during a wonderful vigil service. Holy week has been my favorite time in the church, I usually find it so beautiful and uplifting. I didn't have it in me this year, I feel guilty but I didn't want to be that person who sits there because they are suppose to not because they want to. I have my issues with God right now, in time we will work it out. Well even though Easter is hosted at our house, due to the hand surgery I didn't have to lift a finger! Bonus!

My period, yay! :Eye roll:. Fist one since October. It is also the first one since giving birth and having the D&C. Periods always suck, this one down right was a blow to the emotions. All I can think is that I shouldn't have my period, I should still be cooking babies in my belly. Fuck you period, you are a whore. I feel like I am right back in my infertility days where one more period meant that once again my dream wasn't coming true, I am not having a baby...that reality really hit home this time. The only difference is that I had my babies, but instead of being with me they are waiting in heaven. Same outcome, empty arms and empty belly.

Sorry that this post couldn't bring any happy updates. It is what it is.

Goodnight Haiku

Consumed by sadness
I cry at night in the dark
My warm tears run down

Small miracles with a side of hope.

Thank you Franchesca for starting this blog hop

Hope and being hopeful are things that are in short supply around these parts lately, as are miracles. The thing about miracles though is that if you look hard enough you are bound to find something, no matter how small.


MY SHORT LIST OF SMALL MIRACLES

~ My husband:  Through all of this I am so glad I have him, he is my strength. Without him I would have nothing left, not to sound overly dramatic but kowing that no matter what he will be by my side give me a little push to carry on.  

~ I am hopeful that one day instead of feeling like I am surviving, I will again feel as though I am living.  I know that this will be very gradual but I welcome it .

~ I know I am not alone.  Through coming across blogs of those who have lost their babies and reading their stories I have been able to accept that there IS life after loss. Its not the same life as what should of been, but its a life that can also be filled with love and happiness.  If this isnt a small miracle, I dont know what is.

What small miracles can you find in your life?

Today would have been "V" day

Sadness overcame me when I realized that today I would have been 24 weeks pregnant, it would have been the point of viability for my babies. If born today, my babies might have had a chance to live. Or at the least, the hospital would have taken measures to try to keep them alive instead of just waiting for them to pass away.
I know the life they might have had if born this early probably would not have been all that great, but they might have had a chance. Selfish I know, but the "what ifs" for a baby loss mother eats her up inside.
Today is just one of those days when the milestones that should have been are a cruel reminder of what will never be.

Parting with the blue bloomers

I make weird associations with objects and possessions. Its how I am. Sometimes these are good and other times I think of bad things. Case and point, my very comfortable blue striped and black lace undies. Aka, the underwear I wore on the last day I was pregnant with the twins. I cant do it anymore, I cannot pull them out of the drawer and have the reminder so close to me ever again.

They have come out twice since the loss, once was the day of the service at the funeral home and the other was today. The first time I thought I was bothered because it was the day of the service but today I felt those overwhelming feelings again. Every time I went to use the bathroom, I broke into unconsolable tears. I know this is not rational but yet I can't help it. I need to purge myself of this reminder.

No, I don't think this act of defiance will change anything. I'm grasping at straws just trying to find something.....anything that will ease the pain and stop the crying that comes out of nowhere. At this point I am just trying to survive and these underwear are killing me.

A craptastic day

I think a definite sign of having a horrendous day is when you find that you've cried yourself to sleep that night. That was Tuesday. The whole day was filled with one sad thing after another. We picked up the birth certificate and death records of our babies. Something about seeing it all on paper just makes the heart break even more. Its proof.....proof they lived, and unfortunately proof that they had also died and will never be with us. Its strange that our lives, our identities, our birth, and our deaths are all contained on pieces of paper. We had also gotten their social security cards in the mail on Tuesday, they have sequential numbers. They will never use these numbers, but it was important to us that they had them. Mostly because we didn't want anyone else walking around with the numbers that should have been assigned to my babies. Like I said, all of these papers are proof. Proof that my babies counted.

Other notable sucky Tuesday happenings: the hospital bills started rolling in and it was another emotional night at counseling.
Things are slowly getting better, I do have good days sprinkled in with the bad. I find that to be a hopeful sign.

Footprints

I remember a lot about my great grandparents and the messages they taught about life and living. My great grandmother approached life with the abandonment of a child; she lived life to the fullest, saw beauty in the smallest things, and enjoyed the little things and moments in life. One of the biggest things I remember learning from them wasn't exactly things that they said but a message that was on their bathroom wall.

Every time I went in there, I made sure I read it completely before I walked out. In my youngest years I'm sure that I really didn't understand the message, but as I grew older I figured it out. I never really had times in my life that I believed that I needed to be carried but I held the faith that if I was ever in need that the person I "believed" in would be there for me.
I am at a time in my life that I feel at times I need to be carried. It has been difficult, but I know I am not alone in so many ways. I have my husband, family, friends, and my faith. I know one day I will be OK and be able to walk on my own, I am just not there yet.

These are the footprints of my babies, taken shortly after birth. I believe now that they walk in the heavens and they also walk with me everyday. Although I may not be able to see their footprints beside me, I know that they are always with me.

Oh Iggy's!

Oh Iggy's... how you steal my heart.



 For me, there are a couple of things signify that I believe that the nicer weather is coming.  Nothing says spring (summer is around the corner) like Iggy's does.  We had our first Iggy's chowder, clam cakes, and doughboys of the season.  Bring on the nice weather! 

What things do you get when the nicer weather starts coming around?

Counseling

Jason and I started counseling today. It was painful emotionally. Jason and I have terrific communication as it is, so none of the feelings that were brought up were a surprise. Today was a greeat reminder of how perfect we are together. We are on the same page through and through and compliment each other in areas where the other is lacking.
It was difficult to talk about the loss of our babies, but refreshing to discuss it with someone who wasn't emotional about the situation also. I cry when others cry, it is a weakness of mine. Understandably I have a lot of sadness, but I am also carrying a great deal of guilt, blame, fear, and uncertainty. I feel deep down I have disappointed and let down everyone, especially my babies. I hurt everytime I am reminded I am no long pregnant.... I've given birth too early and said goodbye too soon. I know this isn't my fault, but the guilt rips me apart. This is what we are working on.

Chipotle = burrito love

Chipotle is an sure fire way to bring a smile to my wonderful husband Jasons face instantly.  Last night i surprised him and we took a little trip for some burrito action instead of cooking.  Sometimes it is the little things in life that remind you that there can still be brief spurts of happiness, it was heartwarming to see him smile.

Saying Goodbye.....

On March 19. 2011, my beautiful babies were born. Lincoln Henri and Annaleise Sunshine passed shortly after their birth as they were born shy of 20 weeks of gestation.  In their short time on this earth, they filled their father and I with so much love.  They were perfect in every way..ears, nose, lips, fingers, and toes. In the short time we had with them we held them and gave them a lifetime filled with love, our hopes and dreams for them, and life lessons we felt needed to be shared.  We asked them to watch out for and take care of each other,  to watch over us and help us through this grief, and to please bless us with children we would some day be able to take home.  We said goodbye on March 29 with a lovely ceremony filled with so many people who love us and who loved our children whom they never had the chance to meet. their urn sits in the curio cabinet, a reminder of all I've lost. I am living a nightmare that no one should have to ever experience.  I lost my children and now I'm left to grieve, a parent without children to hold. I feel empty and sad.  Why me, why my family.  Why did I have to go though all i went through to get these babies only to have them taken away?  Questions that will never be answered... there are no answers.
Without my husband I wouldn't be able to live through this. He is my rock; my reason for being.  Grief rips you apart and it is always nice to have someone to try and keep you together or to put the pieces of you back as they fall off.
Currently I am vacillating through the beginning stages of Grief at a rapid pace back and forth.  I feel sadness and anger mostly, but I find myself bargaining with God (although I know nothing will change what has happened).  Rationality is out the window, I teeter on craziness.  Waves of crying hit me without notice and anger needs no provocation.

Thank you everyone for the love and support, it has been much appreciated.  In times like these, we are reminded of all we do have and of those who love us. It has been overwhelming. 

You may call me a bad blogger, but...

I just call myself superstitious.  Ive sat down time and time again to write this but have always chickened out. Here we go, I AM PREGNANT!  Oh yeah, with twins. I don't know if maybe by writing it that things will change but whatever it is, it prevents me from gushing oodles of pregnant speak and updates.  I will try to get better at it, I promise.  Left over infertility insecurity I guess. 
As you can surmize, IVF #1 was beyond successful as Jason and I have been blessed doubly and rewarded handsomely for our difficult journey. 
Today I am 19 weeks and 1 day pregnant and I appreciate every minute of it, even the stressful times.  I Will not take any of this for granted or curse even a single moment.