We are 2 weeks out from our due date and I don't know if I can handle this. My heart aches, I lose my breath, and I feel like my soul has been ripped in half. It is getting harder day by day. I don't know why this has happened to us, I cant figure out the reason why we had to try so hard only to be devastated in the end. What does the due date mean now, it means that my babies really aren't going to be here. It was planned since November, August 8th would have been the absolute last day that we would turn from a couple into a family. August 8th would be the absolute last day that the babies would grace the world with their presence. Only thing is that they have already come and gone. It turned from August 8th due date to March 19th, birth and death date. I don't want to believe it. I want to scream.. "no no no, this cant be my reality". I wish I could turn this nightmare off.
Other randomness.
Ive neglected blogging and I really didn't care. Ive had difficulties formulating the words to express my feelings. "Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck ,fuck" is all I have. I'm very angry and I don't know what to do with the anger. 4 months has come and gone and sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday, purely raw emotion.
I am scared to do this again, I ask myself "what if it happens again?". Although we are scared we are willing to try again. But what if.... I want to punch "what if" in the face. Jason's aunt (who is younger than us) offered to be a gestational carrier, apparently she and Jason's uncle have discussed this at length and are willing to give us this gift if we so choose. We haven't said no, we just want to try once more with our oven.
It touches me how much people care and the lengths others are willing to take to make this happen for us,
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