Up until last night, in all of my dreams (nightmares) about Lincoln and Annaleise have always been about the night I lost them and coping with the loss of the pregnancy, them passing away, and them being gone forever.
Last night I dreamt about them being alive and at home. They were happy and sitting in their swings. Bittersweet, the dream was happy but painful all at the same time. I remember the happiness and joy I felt in the dream. Will I ever feel that way?
This has made me a little more sad than usual today.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Friday, June 24, 2011
FUCK YOU..... a ranty vent
Dear Rhode Island Department of Health,
FUCK YOU.
The stinging realization of my babies dying was starting to wear off, thank you for reminding me.
How dare you send me a "healthy mother, healthy baby" survey in the mail. I understand, according to you, that I am the lucky recipient who has been chosen to fill this survey out based on you pulling the birth certificate of one of my babies from recent children born in the state. Once you realized that my children are dead, common sense would dictate that maybe it isn't the best idea for you to send me this survey. I do not find it comforting that you realized after I was selected that the child you chose was dead and no I didn't appreciate you pointing out to me that this was still a great opportunity for me to help you out. And by the way, you are a professional state agency so I am thinking it may be more appropriate for you to refer to my children as deceased. To you, the formal term would be deceased and you should be referring to recipients in that manner.
I do not have healthy children, and nothing that I did caused any of this to happen. I do not appreciate the survey and I definitely do not appreciate the questions in the survey. Do you honestly think I am a white trash red neck fucking idiot who would drink and smoke during my pregnancy. And really, did I take prenatals and know how important folic acid is to preventing some very preventable birth defects? I am not an idiot, and if this survey is an indication of who you are expecting to target with these questions, I am the wrong person to send this to. You can take the 5 dollar Walmart gift card and shove it up your ass. This is a poor representation of the "special gift" you promised to enclose with the survey as a thank you for my participation. This gift is further proof of the target audience you expect to recruit with this survey.
I will not be filling out your fucking "healthy pregnancy. healthy baby" survey, you are fucking idiots. This could have been avoided if you thought more about others and less about the grant you probably received to conduct this study. So, please stop sending me reminders that I have this survey and you would like me to fill it out. My answers wouldn't help you get funding for your prevention campaigns anyway.
This isn't the only wonderful reminder Ive gotten in the mail lately. I am being inundated with free samples, special offers, and coupons for baby things since their birth certificates have been filed with the state. I wish people would get it through their heads. A recorded live birth does not always result in a baby that people get to take home. All these reminders hurt so much, I die a little more inside each time I get a congratulations from these naive ignorant companies. I know it isn't their faults, I just wish they would get a clue.
FUCK YOU.
The stinging realization of my babies dying was starting to wear off, thank you for reminding me.
How dare you send me a "healthy mother, healthy baby" survey in the mail. I understand, according to you, that I am the lucky recipient who has been chosen to fill this survey out based on you pulling the birth certificate of one of my babies from recent children born in the state. Once you realized that my children are dead, common sense would dictate that maybe it isn't the best idea for you to send me this survey. I do not find it comforting that you realized after I was selected that the child you chose was dead and no I didn't appreciate you pointing out to me that this was still a great opportunity for me to help you out. And by the way, you are a professional state agency so I am thinking it may be more appropriate for you to refer to my children as deceased. To you, the formal term would be deceased and you should be referring to recipients in that manner.
I do not have healthy children, and nothing that I did caused any of this to happen. I do not appreciate the survey and I definitely do not appreciate the questions in the survey. Do you honestly think I am a white trash red neck fucking idiot who would drink and smoke during my pregnancy. And really, did I take prenatals and know how important folic acid is to preventing some very preventable birth defects? I am not an idiot, and if this survey is an indication of who you are expecting to target with these questions, I am the wrong person to send this to. You can take the 5 dollar Walmart gift card and shove it up your ass. This is a poor representation of the "special gift" you promised to enclose with the survey as a thank you for my participation. This gift is further proof of the target audience you expect to recruit with this survey.
I will not be filling out your fucking "healthy pregnancy. healthy baby" survey, you are fucking idiots. This could have been avoided if you thought more about others and less about the grant you probably received to conduct this study. So, please stop sending me reminders that I have this survey and you would like me to fill it out. My answers wouldn't help you get funding for your prevention campaigns anyway.
This isn't the only wonderful reminder Ive gotten in the mail lately. I am being inundated with free samples, special offers, and coupons for baby things since their birth certificates have been filed with the state. I wish people would get it through their heads. A recorded live birth does not always result in a baby that people get to take home. All these reminders hurt so much, I die a little more inside each time I get a congratulations from these naive ignorant companies. I know it isn't their faults, I just wish they would get a clue.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Understanding the depths of dispair.
In the first month after our loss, I hit a bottom that I never knew existed. Devastation and despair does a lot to people, it messes with you, grips you, throws you through the ringer before it finally chews you up and spits you out. Its not pretty nor does it feel good.
I am sharing this because I feel it is important for others to know that it is normal. I found a lot of comfort through the stories of others in those early days and weeks. I want to be able to help.
In that first month I wanted to die. Yes, DIE. I am not going to go as far to say that I would have done it myself, but I am also not going to rule it out either. I thought I had lost everything, my world was gone. My babies died. I thank god for my husband especially but I can't forget about my family and my friends. I can not put enough emphasis on how important my support system was in saving me. By saving me meaning the whole of who I am, not only physically but also emotionally and my spirit. Ive learned to never be afraid to ask for help or too proud to accept it. I think that by being willing to ask and receive help is the reason I am alive and still "living" (yes these are two very different concepts).
Ive changed and readily admit that I am not the same person I use to be. I don't know what it is and I cant put my finger on it. Maybe it is because I can never be as naive as I use to be or maybe I lost some type of innocence that happens after to you plan memorial services for your own children. Point is, I am not who I was and I don't know if I will ever be that person again. I don't know the life path for this person who Ive become, but I am trying to be at peace with it.
I think (hope) this is all normal though.
I am sharing this because I feel it is important for others to know that it is normal. I found a lot of comfort through the stories of others in those early days and weeks. I want to be able to help.
In that first month I wanted to die. Yes, DIE. I am not going to go as far to say that I would have done it myself, but I am also not going to rule it out either. I thought I had lost everything, my world was gone. My babies died. I thank god for my husband especially but I can't forget about my family and my friends. I can not put enough emphasis on how important my support system was in saving me. By saving me meaning the whole of who I am, not only physically but also emotionally and my spirit. Ive learned to never be afraid to ask for help or too proud to accept it. I think that by being willing to ask and receive help is the reason I am alive and still "living" (yes these are two very different concepts).
Ive changed and readily admit that I am not the same person I use to be. I don't know what it is and I cant put my finger on it. Maybe it is because I can never be as naive as I use to be or maybe I lost some type of innocence that happens after to you plan memorial services for your own children. Point is, I am not who I was and I don't know if I will ever be that person again. I don't know the life path for this person who Ive become, but I am trying to be at peace with it.
I think (hope) this is all normal though.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
I felt as guilty as an Irish Catholic
For awhile after our loss, I felt massive amounts of guilt. This guilt went far beyond the normal "it was my fault" crap. Surprisingly that stuff I could handle. I felt the guilt that comes with continuing to live life.
The simple act of smiling or laughing instantly reduced me to tears in the beginning. After awhile, it turned into an immediate hushing or stopping followed by a pit in my stomach when I realized what I was doing. I didn't think I should feel happiness, my children were dead. Why was I smiling or laughing, I was still in pain. Those actions made me sad and made me feel guilty, almost like I was betraying my sweet son and daughter.
Slowly these feelings went away and now I feel OK when I feel twinges of happiness. I'm not to the point where I am carefree, but most of the time I don't have that painful guilty "I'm doing something wrong" feeling.
I think this is progress.
By the way, I'm not Irish =)
The simple act of smiling or laughing instantly reduced me to tears in the beginning. After awhile, it turned into an immediate hushing or stopping followed by a pit in my stomach when I realized what I was doing. I didn't think I should feel happiness, my children were dead. Why was I smiling or laughing, I was still in pain. Those actions made me sad and made me feel guilty, almost like I was betraying my sweet son and daughter.
Slowly these feelings went away and now I feel OK when I feel twinges of happiness. I'm not to the point where I am carefree, but most of the time I don't have that painful guilty "I'm doing something wrong" feeling.
I think this is progress.
By the way, I'm not Irish =)
Friday, June 10, 2011
Breathless
Not in a good way.
I just saw a "ticker" for someone due around when I was. Until now, I had managed to block the fact that I should be 31ish weeks out of my mind.
I found it hard to breathe for a few moments.
Devistation set in.
I just saw a "ticker" for someone due around when I was. Until now, I had managed to block the fact that I should be 31ish weeks out of my mind.
I found it hard to breathe for a few moments.
Devistation set in.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
I fought the insurance company.
And won!
If you will remember, late last week I received a hospital bill for the short nursery care the twins received before they passed away. My insurance company refused to pay the bill because we didn't enroll them onto our healthplan. Upon talking with them, they spoke in circles and told us we should have enrolled them while in the same breath telling us it would have been fraud if we did. Scheisty bastards and their loopholes. Well, we appealed and SURPRISE WE WON. I know its a very small victory, but a victory when we have very little to be hopeful for.
My wish is for people to accept the possibility that not all births end in the happiness that is the joy of taking a live baby home.
But I also wish I lived in a world that this didn't happen in.
If you will remember, late last week I received a hospital bill for the short nursery care the twins received before they passed away. My insurance company refused to pay the bill because we didn't enroll them onto our healthplan. Upon talking with them, they spoke in circles and told us we should have enrolled them while in the same breath telling us it would have been fraud if we did. Scheisty bastards and their loopholes. Well, we appealed and SURPRISE WE WON. I know its a very small victory, but a victory when we have very little to be hopeful for.
My wish is for people to accept the possibility that not all births end in the happiness that is the joy of taking a live baby home.
But I also wish I lived in a world that this didn't happen in.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Friday, June 3, 2011
Loss support group
After over a month telling our counselor that we would attend a local loss support group, we went. I work as a therapist/counselor and I know that peer led support groups CAN be helpful sometimes. I also have plenty of clients who yes me to death promissing they will try something and never do. I didn't want to be one of those clients so I fought through all of my reservations about it and just went.
We may never go back. We may give it one more try, but for now we are on the fence.
What are the reasons we aren't very excited?
It did not give us any shred ofhope, hearing the other peoples stories broke my heart over and over again. I cried about it for 2 hours. One lady told her story and she was crying about the loss and her experience, it had been 20 years. 20 years later she was crying about it the way I cry now. It scared me. I can't hold on to this much pain for the next 20 years, it will kill me. I am strong, but not that strong. I am also drawn to helping people (my profession), so all I had going through my head were resources some of these people could use as well as coping skills for them to try so that they could build and keep healthy relationships with others and use them as a support system. I had a hard time seperating and turning those skills off. I was suppose to be there to help myself and I found it difficult.
It also made us realize that even tho we are hurting, we are doing ok. Some of the people there weren't ok and I felt as tho it was sucking us back into the dark place we fought for 2 months to get out of. I feel blessed and thankful everyday that I have my husband, my family, and my friends. We have a good support system that is there for us.
We will be ok.
We may never go back. We may give it one more try, but for now we are on the fence.
What are the reasons we aren't very excited?
It did not give us any shred ofhope, hearing the other peoples stories broke my heart over and over again. I cried about it for 2 hours. One lady told her story and she was crying about the loss and her experience, it had been 20 years. 20 years later she was crying about it the way I cry now. It scared me. I can't hold on to this much pain for the next 20 years, it will kill me. I am strong, but not that strong. I am also drawn to helping people (my profession), so all I had going through my head were resources some of these people could use as well as coping skills for them to try so that they could build and keep healthy relationships with others and use them as a support system. I had a hard time seperating and turning those skills off. I was suppose to be there to help myself and I found it difficult.
It also made us realize that even tho we are hurting, we are doing ok. Some of the people there weren't ok and I felt as tho it was sucking us back into the dark place we fought for 2 months to get out of. I feel blessed and thankful everyday that I have my husband, my family, and my friends. We have a good support system that is there for us.
We will be ok.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Back to the grind
I went back to work today, the first time since the death of Lincoln and Annaleise. It was difficult to say the least. The looks and the sorries were almost too much to bear. Pregnancy is a public event, it is difficult after a certain point to hide. Right before I gave birth, I hit that point.... everyone knew.
I work as a masters level clinical therapist for the mentally ill. I took so long to come back knowing that I would be totally ineffective at helping people when I was hurting so much inside and was in need of help myself. I was in no condition to listen to the problems of others when all I wanted to do was scream. Sometimes you need to take care of ourselves before you can help others.
I was right on the edge of "ok" and "not ok" all day long. I had a few moments that were difficult, my clients I saw today were very concerned about me during my absence and expressed to me how upset they were when they had heard what happened. I guess I can attribute that to the relationship I have with them. All I could do was acknowledge how they were feeling and redirect the conversation back to themselves and their "issues". I use to love my job, but secretively my heart just really isn't in it. I hope this changes, I cant see myself doing something I don't really like.
When I got home, I had a lovely bill from the hospital for the care the twins received in the nursery before they passed away. My insurance denied it because we failed to enroll the twins on our insurance plan. Last I checked, you cant enroll deceased family members onto insurance policies. We are stuck in a loophole and now are currently fighting the insurance company for them to cover this. Lovely...screwed again by them. Total cost so far for losing my babies, $3,500 out of pocket. Total cost to make them $3,000 out of pocket. What do I have to show for it all? Memories that are priceless but no babies to hold in my arms, to kiss, and to tuck in at night. FML.
I work as a masters level clinical therapist for the mentally ill. I took so long to come back knowing that I would be totally ineffective at helping people when I was hurting so much inside and was in need of help myself. I was in no condition to listen to the problems of others when all I wanted to do was scream. Sometimes you need to take care of ourselves before you can help others.
I was right on the edge of "ok" and "not ok" all day long. I had a few moments that were difficult, my clients I saw today were very concerned about me during my absence and expressed to me how upset they were when they had heard what happened. I guess I can attribute that to the relationship I have with them. All I could do was acknowledge how they were feeling and redirect the conversation back to themselves and their "issues". I use to love my job, but secretively my heart just really isn't in it. I hope this changes, I cant see myself doing something I don't really like.
When I got home, I had a lovely bill from the hospital for the care the twins received in the nursery before they passed away. My insurance denied it because we failed to enroll the twins on our insurance plan. Last I checked, you cant enroll deceased family members onto insurance policies. We are stuck in a loophole and now are currently fighting the insurance company for them to cover this. Lovely...screwed again by them. Total cost so far for losing my babies, $3,500 out of pocket. Total cost to make them $3,000 out of pocket. What do I have to show for it all? Memories that are priceless but no babies to hold in my arms, to kiss, and to tuck in at night. FML.
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