Its been a little over six months since they left us and Ive been waiting, wondering when they would give me some sort of sign that they are around us. Maybe I haven't been looking at the right times or I wasn't ready to see it.
I saw it and it brought me to tears.
I was playing with my fancy pants camera in the yard, trying to capture some of the beauty while everything is still alive.
I saw two amazing monarch butterflies dancing around, chasing, and playing with each other. It was so heartwarming, I saw my babies playing. I was so mesmerized by the show and being in the moment that I didn't have the chance to capture it "on film" but its a beautiful memory I will hold dear in my mind and in my heart.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Consult for IVF#2
We are moving forward.
Scared, nervous, anxious, and dare I even say....excited. For now, we are ready for this.
In mid October I need to get some major amounts of blood work done (run of the mill blood work to check my hormone functioning prior to starting), have a saline infused sonohystogram (to make sure there wasn't any damage to my uterus from giving birth or the D&C), and an endometrial biopsy to rule out there being an infection in my uterus prior to introducing embryos to rule out loss from that). After that is all said and done, and all is fine, I will begin injections early November for an early December retrieval and transfer.
Thoughts, prayers, and good wishes always welcome.
Our 2nd anniversary took place the same day as well as the 6 month milestone of the twins birth and passing. It was a nice day filled with a couples massage (all his idea) some amazing hibachi filet, and the wonderful company of my true soul mate. He is my everything. Getting this good news was the best gift we could have ever been given, I felt on top of the world.
Scared, nervous, anxious, and dare I even say....excited. For now, we are ready for this.
In mid October I need to get some major amounts of blood work done (run of the mill blood work to check my hormone functioning prior to starting), have a saline infused sonohystogram (to make sure there wasn't any damage to my uterus from giving birth or the D&C), and an endometrial biopsy to rule out there being an infection in my uterus prior to introducing embryos to rule out loss from that). After that is all said and done, and all is fine, I will begin injections early November for an early December retrieval and transfer.
Thoughts, prayers, and good wishes always welcome.
Our 2nd anniversary took place the same day as well as the 6 month milestone of the twins birth and passing. It was a nice day filled with a couples massage (all his idea) some amazing hibachi filet, and the wonderful company of my true soul mate. He is my everything. Getting this good news was the best gift we could have ever been given, I felt on top of the world.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Who cries over socks?
I do.
I was at Target last night going through a bin of dollar halloween adult socks (I like crazyass socks) and picked up a pair of lime green baby socks with orange monster toes.
Lost.my.shit.....right there.
Sometimes its the little crap that catches you off guard.
I was at Target last night going through a bin of dollar halloween adult socks (I like crazyass socks) and picked up a pair of lime green baby socks with orange monster toes.
Lost.my.shit.....right there.
Sometimes its the little crap that catches you off guard.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Funeral flowers
My wonderful father in law offered to preserve some of the flowers from the memorial service for Lincoln and Annaleise. We recieved the flowers this week from him. I thought it was a nice gesture.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Goodbye hope....hello disappointment
I don't qualify for the transabdominal cerclage, I feel that once again that all hope that I had was just taken away from me. I really wanted to do this to give all future babies the best chance possible.
WHY? Because they cant find any clear evidence that I have an incompetent cervix, appartenly preterm labor does not necessarily mean a cervical issue and the damn infection they found just screws up any hope of finding anwsers to why I lost the babies. That annoying fucking infection has fucked everything up. I didn't ask questions...why am I such an idiot you ask. Becausee I had a PTSD reaction as soon as I walked through the door coming face to face with one of the ER Doctors from the night I lost the twins, great.
So now I am stuck crossing my fingers that a transvaginal cerclage and progsterone shots are enough to sustain any pregnancy I have and hope beyond hope that it was just a fluke and it doesn't happen again.
I feel hopeless, I don't know if I can do it again. My heart breaks.
WHY? Because they cant find any clear evidence that I have an incompetent cervix, appartenly preterm labor does not necessarily mean a cervical issue and the damn infection they found just screws up any hope of finding anwsers to why I lost the babies. That annoying fucking infection has fucked everything up. I didn't ask questions...why am I such an idiot you ask. Becausee I had a PTSD reaction as soon as I walked through the door coming face to face with one of the ER Doctors from the night I lost the twins, great.
So now I am stuck crossing my fingers that a transvaginal cerclage and progsterone shots are enough to sustain any pregnancy I have and hope beyond hope that it was just a fluke and it doesn't happen again.
I feel hopeless, I don't know if I can do it again. My heart breaks.
Friday, September 2, 2011
Rae's of hope
Ive had very few things to be hopeful of lately, but this past week has given me several glimmers of hope coming up on the horizon.
I am very fortunate, for that I am thankful. I have the opportunity to switch health care coverage to a plan that I will be 80% covered (after a $500 deductible) for unlimited infertility treatments. WOW! I start this new plan October 1st. 20% is still a good chunk of money, but much more manageable than 100% out of pocket. Grateful = me. A lot of people ran around like chickens with their heads cut off in order to make this happen for me, including the representative for the insurance company who I later found out had suffered infertility and a late term loss also.
I have a meeting with my RE (reproductive endocrinologist aka the IVF doctor) on September 19th in order to make our plan for treatments moving forward. Exciting and frightening all at the same time. I don't know yet when we are going to start treatments due some things I am looking into for preparation for the next pregnancy.
I am meeting with a specialist at Women & Infants hospital on September 8th to look into if I qualify for a TAC procedure (trans abdominal cerclage) to be placed pre pregnancy. A TAC procedure is found to be more successful (90ish % to full term (37 or more weeks) vs 75% to viability (24 weeks) found with a cervical cerclage) It is more invasive and requires a C section for delivery though. I will do what is needed and what is most successful, I just need to see what I can get approved for. Fingers crossed for the best outcome, whatever that may be.
Things seem to have the potential for falling into place right now. After September 19th, I should have clearer picture for what we can do to start out future again. Even though this is all so exciting and hopeful, I continue to have this deep fear of disaster looming. I also feel like in a way I am guilty for being happy to try again, like somehow I feel like I am dishonoring the memories of the two lovies I already have. I know no matter what happens, I will never forget them and they will always be my first born children. Its complicated in my head right now.
Thank you for the continued thoughts and prayers.
I am very fortunate, for that I am thankful. I have the opportunity to switch health care coverage to a plan that I will be 80% covered (after a $500 deductible) for unlimited infertility treatments. WOW! I start this new plan October 1st. 20% is still a good chunk of money, but much more manageable than 100% out of pocket. Grateful = me. A lot of people ran around like chickens with their heads cut off in order to make this happen for me, including the representative for the insurance company who I later found out had suffered infertility and a late term loss also.
I have a meeting with my RE (reproductive endocrinologist aka the IVF doctor) on September 19th in order to make our plan for treatments moving forward. Exciting and frightening all at the same time. I don't know yet when we are going to start treatments due some things I am looking into for preparation for the next pregnancy.
I am meeting with a specialist at Women & Infants hospital on September 8th to look into if I qualify for a TAC procedure (trans abdominal cerclage) to be placed pre pregnancy. A TAC procedure is found to be more successful (90ish % to full term (37 or more weeks) vs 75% to viability (24 weeks) found with a cervical cerclage) It is more invasive and requires a C section for delivery though. I will do what is needed and what is most successful, I just need to see what I can get approved for. Fingers crossed for the best outcome, whatever that may be.
Things seem to have the potential for falling into place right now. After September 19th, I should have clearer picture for what we can do to start out future again. Even though this is all so exciting and hopeful, I continue to have this deep fear of disaster looming. I also feel like in a way I am guilty for being happy to try again, like somehow I feel like I am dishonoring the memories of the two lovies I already have. I know no matter what happens, I will never forget them and they will always be my first born children. Its complicated in my head right now.
Thank you for the continued thoughts and prayers.
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