Transfer done

Now I just sit and wait.

We put back 2 embryos, a 6 cell and an 8 cell. Both had less than 10% fragmentation (the cells have been dividing cleanly).

I am very tired and have been sleeping most of the afternoon, I think between the emotional toll and having bronchitis has completely whiped me the hell out.

I am excited for the future for the first time in a very long time, but I am grieving simultaneously. I keep having to remind myself that this isn't betrayl, this is a new chapter for my family.

Fertilization

So yesterday I was very disappointed when I found out that only 7 of our 15 retrieved had fertilized. It was such a blow to get such a great number and then end up with less than we did last time. It took me all night and some hearty consoling/encouragement to get me out of that funk. I woke with a better attitude, whatever happens just happens and I can't control it.

I got a better report this afternoon. All 7 are still growing and are between 3 and 4 cells which is normal for day 2. Some were less than 10% fragmentation, the rest between 10 and 20%. One of the ones that hadn't showed any growth yesterday had started to divide. I have 8 embryos and will be transferring the best 2 tomorrow at 10am est.

Retrieval

I had my egg retrieval this morning and got 15 eggs. I have to wait until tomorrow to fin
d out how many were mature and how many were fertilized. I have been in bed all day not feeling well and trying to recover from a spinal (I have a head cold and they thought general anesthesia was too dangerous).

I am very excited about 15 eggs since we had 9 last time. Both really great numbers bt 15 gives us better chances at totsicles for siblings in the future (this is going to work). I do not want to have to do this again. 2nd time around was nothing like the 1st.

Triggered

At 7:30 pm tonight I took my HCG shot to trigger ovulation for my egg retrieval on Sunday at 7:30 am. I am so nervous. I only needed 7 days of stims to quickly produce 7 follicles on each ovary. On Tuesday I had 3 total follies, on Thursday I had 14.....crazy.

Fingers crossed and prayers welcome.

Started stims

Last night I started my ovarian stimulation medication Bravelle to kick start my ovaries into making lots of beautiful eggs. Last night consisted of some vivid nightmares and waking to an enormous headache. It is what it is.

Last cycle I received this beautiful good luck charm from a very dear friend, it is a crane (I finished a 1000 crane project) and it is holding a pearl. My friend told me that the pearl it is carrying signifies the crane carrying my precious eggs. Thank you Nicole, I love you.

1 year ago

November 18, 2010. We put 2 perfect little embryos back into my uterus at our transfer. Those 2 embryos turned into our beautiful son and daughter. One year ago today was the first day they grew inside of me. I loved them even before that day and while they were deviding in a petri dish. I did my best to protect my children, but my body failed them.

My loot....aka my meds

Copay amount $1302.26 Net worth= I dont want to know. Thank you insurance.

I miss them

Every. Single. Day.

Sometimes I don't know how I am going to live the rest of my life without them. Those few hours I held my son and daughter brought me the most overwhelming sense of love I've ever felt, so different from the love I have for my husband. If you have never been there, you don't know what I am talking about....end of story. When you have been there, you will understand. I hope to one day feel that again, right now I just feel so lost. I still feel the love, I love them and always will. The love right now is just like winning the lottery but you lost the ticket, technically a millionare but not really. Am I going to make it or am I going to drown in these feelings. I try so hard to be "ok" everyday, sometime I rise to "so so". I know all of this is normal but it doesn't make it any better.

I miss you.

Day 9

Thankfully I am not as angry about the process as I was a couple of days ago. I can't be, its not a healthy way to go into cycle where I am hoping to make life. I am sad though, we went through this last year (my god its been a year). Last year we made our beautiful babies and they are not here. We've already been through this and were successful but as we have found out that success doesn't always lead to ultimate happiness. So I hope this year we have success as well as the prize at the end. I want success from beginning to end, I feel I am entitled to this.

As far as the Lupron goes, I feel I am getting used to it. The headaches suck as well as the hot flashes. Hydration, hydration, hydration. (Peeing, peeing, peeing) Its neverending.

Day 6

6 days into Lupron.

Hello insomnia, I didn't miss you. I couldn't sleep last night because my bones were sore and achy. I awoke with the "dehydrated brain feeling". you know the " I was out drinking all night and now I'm uber dehydrated" feeling.. except without all of the fun memories.

I don't remember this from last time, all I remembered were the really bad headaches. I think last time I was just overly excited it was all happening that I had lapses in memory. Damn fool, I would have liked to have been more prepared.

I made a wish

At 11:11 (my car time) on 11/11/11. That's got to make it come true, right? I feel slightly stupid as I usually don't do stuff like that. Well, this whole process of infertility and loss has already made me lose my damn mind, so add it to the list.

Still crossing my fingers and wishing for some luck anyway.

4 days into shots

A meer 4 days into suppression and I am already totally fucking sick of it. I hate giving myself injections. Its not like they bother me or make me anxious, I am just completely pissed off that THIS is what I have to do to get pregnant.

If you are lucky enough to not have to go to these lengths to see 2 beautiful pink lines or the word "pregnant" on a pee stick, please don't ever take it for granted.

IVF #2 underway

Operation human pincusion started on Sunday November 6th, I am on my 3rd day of supperssion meds to stop my ovaries from making eggs so when I start stims (the egg making stuff) they will be nice and clean and ready to make a good amount of evenly sized eggs. I am not going to do much in the way of complaining, this will all be worth it in the end no matter what. Even tho the ultimate end of my first cycle was devistation, Id do it all again for that moment I held my children in my arms.

Id be a liar if I didn't tell you im scared, nervous, sad, and yes guilty. There you are guilt, oh how I've missed you. I feel like I am trying to replace my babies, its not a good feeling. I know that trying again is yet another step in healing. I know I wont forget or replace them but grief is a nasty monster and strikes when I least expect it.