When you ask me how I am doing and I reply with "fine", "ok", or "well", Ive most likely lied to you. I am usually not fine, not ok, and not doing well. There are rare instances that these statements are in fact true, but those are not the normal and are few and far between.
I try hard to put on a brave face for you, this is exhausting. I usually end up crying to myself (sobbing actually) when I walk away and I am alone in my car, in the bathroom, or when I get home. Acting ok takes a lot of energy, energy I sometimes don't have but always manage to muster so that you don't know what I actually feel in my heart and in my head.
Why do I lie to you?
Mostly because I don't want you to hurt like I do and I don't want to burden you with the pain I feel. Its ok if you feel bad for me, I also feel bad for what has happened. I just don't want you to have pitty for me, I am not a charity case. Sometimes I don't know if you care or are just trying to be nice. I don't want to look like an idiot and put you on the spot for something you weren't ready to hear.
Jason and I are survivors and we are strong, but then again what other choice do we have but to be anything else? We will get by.
Will we ever be ok? I don't have answers for this question. We hope and wait, that's all we can do. I guess time will only tell.
I am sorry I lie to you, but do you really want to know?
I think mostly they don't really want to know. They want to belive that we are fine because the knowledge that we aren't would be to upsetting for them. I'm like you, a liar most of the time.
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