Fast forwarding life would be much easier sometimes

I've had a lot going on lately (mostly emotional life sucking milestones) and I know I've been MIA for about a week. Sometimes the best way I can deal with things when they happen one after another is to just shut down and deal with it later, on my own terms. As with grief and loss, there is very little you can control so when I get an opportunity to say "fuck you, I will emotionally deal with it later", I go for it.

The most difficult thing I had to deal with this past week was the 1 month mark for losing my children. We got through it, we have no other choice than to get through it. I have little glimpses of thinking we will be "OK", but really how will it be "OK"? We met and held our children and even though we are parents we will never have the pleasure of the action portion of "being" parents, holding and kissing them, and watching them grow. The most that I can hope for is that we will get by, we will live our lives as happy people again, but underneath we will have the pain of loss and grieving of what we didn't have the chance to experience. I know this is how it will be and I accept it, even though I don't accept it happily or embrace it fully.

I had surgery on my hand to get my carpel tunnel issues fixed. It has been a constant problem for me. almost 4 years ago I had my left hand done and vowed I wouldn't get the right done. ever. When I was pregnant it got really bad to the point where I wasn't able to use my hand well and had lost feeling and some fine motor skills. Despite my reservations, my doctor and my husband convinced me that it would be in my best interest to avoid the pain and discomfort when we got pregnant again. I had a day and a half notice so we did this really fast. I am right handed so it has been very difficult to get used to functioning one handed when that one hand is not the dominant one. (major fun typing this post)

Easter....Easter, Easter, Easter. When did Easter turn from "he has risen" to candy, egg hunts, and adorably dressed children (knife through my heart)being paraded and the focus of everything? I missed holy week services because I am angry and not into it. I was baptised two years ago during a wonderful vigil service. Holy week has been my favorite time in the church, I usually find it so beautiful and uplifting. I didn't have it in me this year, I feel guilty but I didn't want to be that person who sits there because they are suppose to not because they want to. I have my issues with God right now, in time we will work it out. Well even though Easter is hosted at our house, due to the hand surgery I didn't have to lift a finger! Bonus!

My period, yay! :Eye roll:. Fist one since October. It is also the first one since giving birth and having the D&C. Periods always suck, this one down right was a blow to the emotions. All I can think is that I shouldn't have my period, I should still be cooking babies in my belly. Fuck you period, you are a whore. I feel like I am right back in my infertility days where one more period meant that once again my dream wasn't coming true, I am not having a baby...that reality really hit home this time. The only difference is that I had my babies, but instead of being with me they are waiting in heaven. Same outcome, empty arms and empty belly.

Sorry that this post couldn't bring any happy updates. It is what it is.